Hope.

It's a word I know well. It's a word I thought I understood. It's a word that has deep meaning in my life; or so I thought.

Until this week, I thought I knew the power of hope. But, I had no idea the absolute power it actually has on our lives.

This week has been filled with frustration, fear and a whole lot of anxiety. I had lost hope with out realizing it. And a life with out hope is surely left to fear and darkness. 

The ear saga continues to prove to be one filled with learning and growth, as most of our trials are. Before this week, I had never felt gratitude for my ears or my ability to hear. That is changed forever in me. 

After having had hearing loss for 5 days and a building pressure in my head, I took myself to the urgent care. This something I never do, but I was hopeful it would provide the relief I was seeking. I started the antibiotics and felt a hope for relief.  

But when relief didn't come, and as the pressure in my head continued to build, I started to loose hope and sink into fear. I quickly made an appointment with my myopractor, who has always been able to heal any of my muscular and skeletal ailments. But when that proved to fail as well, I found myself sinking lower and lower. Why wasn't anything working? 

By now it had been 3 more days and I found that I had hit a level of insanity as the pressure in my head had reached an all time high, and my hearing had completely gone away in my right ear. The fear that this might not ever be fixed had erased any signs of hope. And I realized that a life with out hope equals insanity. I started to hyperventilate at the thought of this being my way of life. And I was devastated. 

How could I ever be a mother to 5 kids if I couldn't hear and I couldn't handle their daily noises? How could I live with this pressure in my head? I remembered a chiropractor I used to go to and I  called and I miraculously got his last appointment of the day. I used to work for him 13 years ago and so I have a sense of comfort around him; but I didn't expect to break like I did in his office.

He walked in the room and I found myself sobbing. Deep sobs. One that only someone who has lost all hope and who had surrender to fear could cry. I begged him to help me. To help me find my sanity again. I had hit my all time low. I even had the thought that I really believed this must have been what Van Gogh had experienced and had made him go insane enough to cut off his ear! 😂 

But my sweet, kind chiropractor let me cry and he adjusted my face as tears continued to spill down my cheeks. When I left his office, the pressure in my head had started to decrease and a tiny seedling of hope began to sprout. One that made me believe that maybe, this would heal. 

The next morning I woke up determined to find help. I sent a prayer up to God that I would miraculously get an appointment with an ENT.  I prayed it would be the right ENT who could really help me. And so I called, and I called. One ENT office after the other, and they were all full. Until I finally found one, who happened to be 10 minutes from where my mom lived.

Miracle one of the day. 

I dropped my son off to be babysat by my mom and I found that my hope was building. Once I sat with the ENT the miracles kept coming. She told me that I had a severe ear infection and a ton of fluid behind my inner ear, but that all could be healed. I wanted to hug her and bring her cookies!!

Not only was my hope growing, but now my faith was starting to come back. 

And now I see that our hope and our faith are our greatest weapons against the darkness life provides. 

As I started my heavy antibiotics and steroids that night, I went to sleep with a deeper hope and faith than I have felt in a while. And when I woke up to having 40% more hearing in my right ear and the fluid completely gone, I almost jumped for joy! 

I had a skip in my step all day. Gratitude filled my being and poured over me. I found myself getting on the ground and wrestling with my kids. I played the fruit game and shot water guns with them in the pool for hours.

Life had a sweeter taste.

And the most amazing part of this lesson? I wasn't happy because I was fully healed. I still felt like I was hearing through a cave and I didn't have my full hearing back.

But I was happy because of HOPE.  

Hope was the healing agent here. Hope is what renewed my energy and joy. Hope brought forth the overwhelming sense of gratitude and restored my faith. 

I have never before felt the healing power of Hope until this week. And I have never before felt the destructive influence that hopelessness can bring. 

If you find that you have been swallowed up in hopelessness and that the darkness and fear have taken root with in you, I encourage you to seek out to God to find your seed of hope. Because once that is planted, your illusion of life can shift and change. 

Hope can create a new illusion. One that is filled with faith and peace...

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